Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The Journey Continues

At this point if my count is correct I have had about 5 or 6 blocks since the 3rd surgery in August. I still get short of breath at times and have thankfully only had one major spasm since the 6th one. We know they can happen at anytime and really do not have to have something happen to set them off. I also know if I overdue it, I will pay for it, so that means maybe not doing everything I want too, doesn't mean things don't get done, it is time that it might take. I can live with needing a little more time. Figuritivly and in reality I want more than a little more time.

I want to see my son graduate college and see him be successful in life. I want to continue my personal work to help others in anyway that I can. I was a healthcare provider for 19 years and for awhile it really bothered me to loose my career. Sometimes I still get twinges from the smell of diseal or the sound of sirens, yah yah I was a "wacker" in EMS terms. Basically that means I got pulled in on my first clinical rotation with Franklin Fire Department. I remember them being so nice, and showing me a lot of good skills and a better understanding of the fire side of calls as well.

So now I know I can help others with various things, from speech writing to public speaking. To forming rallies and press releases. There are more things I know I can and will do, in fact I might be doing some of that right now, but you will have to wait and see. ((sarcasm or is it))  LOL

I am getting to spend time on the seacoast of New Hampshire, I love the smell of ocean air. I am grateful to my freestate family for creating "The Praxeum" it is a safe and warm place to hang out and work, teach, rest, and laugh. It is also a private club which makes it safer. I can say I am so proud of all the accomplishments of my friends and grateful to have them. You can't put a price tag on that kind of friendship. Sometimes blood relatives will not give of their heart as much to you as the family you pick. I picked my family and I would do it again. The Free State Project has and is the most amazing family I could ask for. Blood is not what matters. What matters is when things are at there worst, who runs and who stays. Who holds you through your tears, and hears your screams and runs to you not from you.

I hate to list people, I am always afraid of missing one, and with my "foggy brain" from the tamoxifen that is easy for me to do. You out there reading this, you know who you are that I cherish with all my heart.

I will go back on the 19th for a  review and most likely to schedule the next block. We hope that with time we will be able to stop the blocks, but for now the effort is to keep things in control so I can have some quality of life back. I get to drive now, tee hee. It might sound small, but when you have gone over a year dependent on others, to have the ability to just jump in the car and go for a ride means a lot to me. Don't worry, my providers and I discussed it, and worst case if I spasm while driving, all I have to do is pull over and call 911 while starting my emergency protocol.

I am better, am I 100%, no. Will I be, that is unknown at this point and too soon to tell. Thing is I am not worried, no matter how it all ends up, I can and will deal. I have done it before and will do it again. That is my strength in practicing what I preached to my son, finish what you start. I will never stop fighting for Liberty, but I will finish my 2nd degree and continue to help those up there fighting for my civil liberties in Concord and D.C.

Monday, November 3, 2014

The next step

Now we are working to get everything under control, in other words my body is having to learn to live with the reconstructed me. It can be a PIA, but I am alive and here. That you just can't top.

I had the chance to spend time with some awesome friends and a fellow survivor who is not only a fellow Dana-Farber gal but we had the same cancer surgeon, years apart. Of all the survivors I have met, she is the one I identify with the most. Maybe it is because of the connection to Dana-Farber and Dr. Golshen or maybe it is because we are alike in ways that make us both feel comfortable. We even compared work, some of the best information I have gotten have come from women who are willing to share. Women who are not shy about their bodies or their treatment experience. You can't put a price on piece of mind, but you can find it in the stories of others.


Tomorrow is a big day for me, I am about 60% done with my BSM degree, my classes restart tomorrow.  I am also having another rectus shealth block in the afternoon. At least that gives me the morning to get my school work done. I almost had a scary issue of not being able to pre-med for the procedure, but a good friend, "Sunshine" stepped up at the 11th hour and bailed me out. I am so thankful it is a hard procedure to go through. I can't explain how physically and mentaly taxing it is to have a near 12 inch needle pushed into your abdominal muscles. The benefit is easier breathing, less time getting short of breath, and we hope over time a perminant solution if not one that can be maintained.

A lot of people have told me they feel bad and I appreciate their compassion and concern. I am here to see my Son, talk to my Grandmother, and smile and laugh with friends. My plans to succeed in creating my own happiness and being prosperous are not derailed, I just pushed back the due date a little that is all. All plans need to come with contingency planning or you get blindsided. I have lived that and learned from it. My plan B and C are in order and I keep tweaking as needed. In the end I will succeed, just have to take one step at a time, and be prepared for quick turns.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Where's Jenn?

Sounds like where's waldo and there are days I feel like a person in a sea of others but alone. It is apart of the grieving process I am told by my providers. Grief from many different things from my career to the personal. As all processes this step will end and another would begin. Until at the end things hurt a little less and are father from the forefront of my mind.

Having just had a follow-up for the third time since surgery we will do another rectus sheath block. If your curious and have a stomach for needles, see my last post.

We will not be doing an IV port at this point. I think my provider is smart enough and very skilled. I know she can get the vein in my ac, other side of your elbow, and after she gives the meds I don't care anymore. Those blocks are easier to handle.

The rectus ones are hard because I am awake and aware, but medicated for comfort. I have become fascinated with the ultrasound machine and watching what I feel on the screen. It is interesting to feel a spasm and see it on the screen at the same time. There is a validation, a feeling of sanity, and it's just interesting to a ems junky. You can take the girl out of ems but well you know the rest.

Ironically my next rectus block will be election day. So I will vote and then go, with a driver of course. Hard part is I can't be alone after these things, such a burden on others that is hard to deal with at times.

They have done 2 surgical interventions and more blocks than I can remember for over a year now. I had a honest conversation with my provider and facing the truth of permanence is hard especially at this time in my life. There was a part of me that felt like a piece died. I knew it already but hearing her say it, well that is reality.
Plenty of people in this world have things they have to work around, as can I. The belief is once we can get it under good control I can get back into the world. I was cleared to start driving short distances, so that is my silver lining from that appointment. There always has to be one; that one is mine.

Thank you to all who keep reading and writing to me. I enjoy reading your opinions and expressions. I am especially happy when I hear from women who have decided to have mammograms because of me, and if that is you please do. 1 out of 8 are not the best odds and "your to young" is a lie. Hugs to all. Till next time...stay safe everyone.


 PS:  for my Dad...looky what I got to have :-)