Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Where's Jenn?

Sounds like where's waldo and there are days I feel like a person in a sea of others but alone. It is apart of the grieving process I am told by my providers. Grief from many different things from my career to the personal. As all processes this step will end and another would begin. Until at the end things hurt a little less and are father from the forefront of my mind.

Having just had a follow-up for the third time since surgery we will do another rectus sheath block. If your curious and have a stomach for needles, see my last post.

We will not be doing an IV port at this point. I think my provider is smart enough and very skilled. I know she can get the vein in my ac, other side of your elbow, and after she gives the meds I don't care anymore. Those blocks are easier to handle.

The rectus ones are hard because I am awake and aware, but medicated for comfort. I have become fascinated with the ultrasound machine and watching what I feel on the screen. It is interesting to feel a spasm and see it on the screen at the same time. There is a validation, a feeling of sanity, and it's just interesting to a ems junky. You can take the girl out of ems but well you know the rest.

Ironically my next rectus block will be election day. So I will vote and then go, with a driver of course. Hard part is I can't be alone after these things, such a burden on others that is hard to deal with at times.

They have done 2 surgical interventions and more blocks than I can remember for over a year now. I had a honest conversation with my provider and facing the truth of permanence is hard especially at this time in my life. There was a part of me that felt like a piece died. I knew it already but hearing her say it, well that is reality.
Plenty of people in this world have things they have to work around, as can I. The belief is once we can get it under good control I can get back into the world. I was cleared to start driving short distances, so that is my silver lining from that appointment. There always has to be one; that one is mine.

Thank you to all who keep reading and writing to me. I enjoy reading your opinions and expressions. I am especially happy when I hear from women who have decided to have mammograms because of me, and if that is you please do. 1 out of 8 are not the best odds and "your to young" is a lie. Hugs to all. Till next time...stay safe everyone.

 PS:  for my Dad...looky what I got to have :-)

Monday, October 6, 2014

What a rectus sheath block looks like without sedation

Sunday, October 5, 2014

October 3rd reflextion

Laying on another exam table while the doc cleans up scabs and stitches. I cannot feel it, nothing. forever, never to feel, how to take that? Then there are the bizarre feelings, the itches you can't scratch that feel so real but are not real, yet again a cause of damage to the nervous system, from the amputation, causes it. It still sucks no matter if you know why or how if it is happening to you, I am sorry.

Doctors contradicting doctors; patient in the middle is, I. The "rare one", "complex case", "
train wreck', and the most truthful statement made to me by a provider: "Neuroscience has not caught up enough to understand how to fix this. we still have a lot to learn about the nervous system."

Where does that leave me? Stuck in the middle between life and existance. Trust me there is a difference. I should know. I have done it for years now. Now, it does not get easier, you simply become acustom to it all. Everything around you, always at all times changes. The choice is to float or sink.

I think I'm treading water between the two.

To "them" I am a case.

To "me" I am simply a human being, who would like just one day of no pain, but that is whining.